its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
