why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize