Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
