ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
