Cold hands, warm shart.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
