my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
