After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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