He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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