he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
She's the barista slut.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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