two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
