Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Randomize