I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
