She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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