Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
