omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
