take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
