just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Please don't give away my fajitas
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
