After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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