her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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