Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Everclear isn't food dammit
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
