she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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