Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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