My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
How naked do you want me to be?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
