the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
