....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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