just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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