and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
