69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
