why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
