I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Holy sore nipples Batman
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
