when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
