I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
