You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
