when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
