Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
