Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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