i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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