I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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