Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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