youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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