This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
