I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
