"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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