I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
