I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
