I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
