i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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