just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
