He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
