believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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