This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
