I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
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