Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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