Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
