nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
It's rum buckets o'clock
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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