we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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