i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Randomize
