You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
