What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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